Hello friend welcome back to judgment not judgmental in today's episode we get into talking about the sometimes difficult sometimes messy transition times with our kids such as leaving the park when they don't want to getting ready for bed when they're not ready we take a deep dive into one of the concepts that Rachel talked about on her Instagram page regulating with Rachel and we just basically yap and yap and yap and talk about the concept until we can't talk anymore because that's what we do best. Thank you for being here this is our seventh episode we are so grateful to everyone who's been listening and giving us feedback so I hope you enjoy today's episode as much as we did let's get into it. Hey friend drop your shoulders welcome back to judgment not judgmental you're here we're here and none of us have it all figured out we're Rachel and Rosie two moms who know our shit still lose our shit and are always trying to get to a place that feels good for us and our kids this is the place where we talk through the real-life moments you usually only text your best friend about the stuff you're proud of the stuff you're not proud of and the stuff you're just trying to make sense of honest curious and never judgmental and always with something you can try this week okay hmm for the third time tonight fourth third or fourth let's take a moment and acknowledge this is our seventh episode this is our seventh episode yeah now that why statistically we do not make it past seven episodes of a podcast most people don't make it past seven and that is because of technology issues yeah transparently listener and friend I I wasn't gonna acknowledge this but I just feel at this rate we need to we have this is now the third time that we are recording this yes we didn't get very far no not at times but we tried starting this at 8 it is 936 right now p.m. post that and I like had my husband do bedtime I'm like listen babe I have a busy next two days at work I would love it if you could do bedtime so we could do this a little earlier and he's like yeah I got you and here we are at 930 so it is but it is you're still gonna get a quality episode yes especially now cuz we're just like a little bit unhinged man yeah if I smoked I'd be having a cigarette I saw someone post today but I don't like mom I know you're listening I don't I never have I have asthma same I do know asthmatics who smoke which is confusing one I could ever to quick tangent I work in urology and the number one risk factor for bladder cancer is smoking so just like everyone don't do it I never thought of that no one ever does and then they're like well I quit 45 years ago and I'm like I'm sorry sir it literally doesn't matter the fact that you gave it a sir this is a conversation I have had regularly no literally all the time anyway okay why don't we just get into this let's get right into the episode again you know to everyone listening you it's not like we're skipping a lot you just missed a little bit because of the tech issues you miss a little bit about like numerology and about hairdressers oh yeah that's right my toddler telling me what was it the phrase that she said but she was all she was all amped at me this morning oh she was like she found many times how many times have I told you to move that cereal box mom it was the brick oh it wasn't Bran flakes it was brain flakes they're like these little I have so many I need to like put a list together at some point these like really ADHD mom-friendly toys oh that's one of the things that like really regulates me during the day is like organizing toys by color and so to have they're just like little little circles that has notches in them they kind of look like I don't know like the inside of a clock but you can make shapes out of them like you can make a tree or a flower or whatever it is my infant likes to put them in your mouth all the time I don't really know if they're a choking hazard it says three plus on them if you'd ask my oldest he would call it a choking hazard he's always down to call out the things that are choking hazards sometimes my oldest calls things choking hazards just because she doesn't want her sister touching them oh no so mostly not that small same with my oldest but also he's just like such a rule follower that he'll be like mom this is a choking hazard isn't it I'm like yeah well technically yeah I swear his like first words were choking hazard they weren't I really could see that I know they are funny when they're together too I know cuz they like you really don't have to worry about them like you can kind of just let them go cuz neither one of them are gonna be like jumping off anything crazy no I just had my oldest he was at a birthday party it was for one of the grown-ups but there was like tons of kids there and I wasn't gonna be able to go over cuz my youngest was sick and needed a nap but I knew there was gonna be some older kids there which my oldest doesn't often play with older kids cuz like he usually is the older kid so I told them you know like if the older kids are doing anything you don't like or too rough or you feel like it's dangerous like you can go tell your dad cuz he'll be with you and he ate that up he was like oh I will and then he like said it like three times before he left he's like Dada just you know if anything is going on that I don't like or they're talking mean to me I'm gonna tell you it was just like thrilled to be able to enforce the rules yes like his favorite pastime activity yeah it's so true thing oh my god okay well getting into today's episode a little bit what I wanted to do was go deeper into one of the posts from your Instagram Rachel so for a little bit of background Rachel has an Instagram called regulating with Rachel and one of the first times we tried to record this episode we briefly just said like the kind of birthplace and idea for this podcast came out of the content that you were putting out because you are putting out content and information that's just so like easily consumable and accessible and it's all about making the judgments for yourself as a parent well not judging yourself or others too harshly and that's where this whole idea for the podcast came from is a long-form media way to go deeper into what you post about so again for the third time go deeper into how you started this yeah I will be so brief at this point honestly it's probably for the best so I won't like tangent about it but here now yeah it originally started out as child welfare by child development and that was a few years ago when I was still in grad school and then I realized I'm like this isn't necessarily the era of my life that I'm super saturated in so I'm gonna go into what is which is also relevant because you know I was working a child 12 child welfare but that's parenting and so it was really like April 2025 that I started taking it seriously I changed the name I had I was really it's there was a lot of really cringy like early early posts I think some of them I deleted some of them are still there we never found anything cringy but I'm also your friend and like a cheerleader type of friend so you are but like objectively they're cringy and the reason is because I wasn't totally myself like I was doing a lot of like you know consuming that like what are the hooks gonna be the you need the on-screen hook and the the visual and verbal and there's just like there's so much to learn in social media that is just exhausting but I was like you know what I'm just gonna do I'm just gonna start talking how I talk to my friends and I'm gonna share what I'm sharing with them most of this posts early on and even now are stuff like Brooke texted me this and I think that it would actually probably benefit a lot of other people too she has the best questions and Blake really I just wanted it to be a space for parents to see like hey if this is going on with your kid which is why I always start like my videos with if like if your toddler is doing this if that the marketing and psychology behind hooks and things like that say you should be using the words like never let your child do this or if you see this from your kids stop those negative words are gonna be more clickable yeah and while that would get me more visibility I am just strictly against it because I think it makes people feel bad about themselves and the whole reason I wanted to do this page is because I just want parenting to be and as enjoyable for everyone as it is for me and that does not mean that it's like enjoyable all the time like I definitely was like crying two hours ago but it was just rough yeah I feel that I think you and I are very much aligned in the mindset of we of course we love our children you know all parents love their children or they should at least and so that's that's not up for debate but not everyone I think really enjoys the parenting portion you know the the teaching and the constant validating of feelings like and understandably because that can be exhausting and but I feel like you and I we really love it and we thrive off of it and it's again not to say that we are perfect at it by any means or that we love it all the time like earlier today when I was shopping for groceries for the week with my oldest and he just like wouldn't stay close enough to the cart like he wasn't that far away but it's like you just need me a little bit closer like we were at this like healthy grocery store so they're always like so small and crammed and like there wasn't yeah you know and so it's like I love him and I love grocery shopping with him and I love the one-on-one time but oh my god I was like just stand next to that card you know yes and so I love when you say like you want parenting to be enjoyable for people because it is hard but like hard things can be enjoyable especially when you're getting it right and the way your content is poised a lot of people can see it and feel like oh I think I'm doing something right or oh I don't think I'm doing it that way and that way sounds effective so I'm gonna try to implement it yeah you know like please know the tweaks like that's my favorite thing to two of my favorite things that have come from comments in like like themes of comments the first one is when someone will ask how old was your kid when this happened or like on the flip side it's this question of age how old was your kid when you started introducing this or saying oh I'm gonna use this with my teenager oh I could use this with my middle schoolers but yeah context I just had a coughing fit um you know what Amy Poehler had a coughing fit on one of her podcasts when she was interviewing that one very famous singer whose name is escaping me and she talked about her coughing fit so we can talk about yours I just say I've been having nothing about coughing fits for like the last well that's quarter of the year so annoying but yes so the first theme that I really like seeing in the comments is this idea about age where people are asking at what age did you start this more on the flipside people saying this still applies to grown-ups oh this makes me understand myself better as a kid which is so important when you're trying to like make decisions as a parent now because you're tapping back into that or saying I can use this with my teenagers I can use this with my middle schoolers oh my seven-year-old would still work with this and so this matter of age because I have this philosophy this is the hill that I will die on if you tell me they're too young for I will stab you immediately if you think they are too young for something find the level one version of that and start there because all of the skills that you are gonna be using with your kids you're gonna be using them at every level you can't just be like oh there are three I better introduce this now oh they're 14 and I better to introduce this now mm-hmm no this is stuff that it's gonna be way easier if you've been scaffolding it all along like slowly build that from the ground up the other one is when someone will say like I don't think this will work for my kid and I'm like please do not do it exactly the way that I would because this won't work exactly that way for your kid take the bare bones of what I did and then apply your context your kids personality your experiences growing up the layout of your house whatever you need to do apply your thing please don't ever try to do it exactly the way because we are not the same person we do not raise the same children and I never wanted to ever come across this like well the expert in the room says this it's like no I am mostly posting these videos after I have messed up something and then found a solution mostly after practicing the solution for multiple multiple times till it becomes a habit so like please don't ever think that I'm posting something and it's like oh this is a quick fix I love fixes they're my default but like yeah nothing I post is gonna be a quick fix and I feel like that's how parenting is just like you said like it takes time it takes scaffolding and a behavior is not gonna change overnight I feel like I talk with my husband about that a lot because I he's a you know he's obviously a wonderful parent and he's also very patient and he follows the same vibe I do with gentle parenting but I feel like when we are in the throes of teaching manners he sometimes he's like oh my gosh like why it why did they ask for a snack like that you know we've been teaching them just say can I have a snack please and or like saying like you know can you say thank you like it was there still our kids are still at the age where we're often reminding them to do that but now as our oldest is four four and a half like unprompted he will say thank you so much for the food like especially if we go somewhere fun for dinner or something like that and it's like it it took it took literally four years to get there but at the time and the commitment and the you know teaching it from a very young age of signing thank you to not then being able to say the words thank you and then now unprompted expressing gratitude at the age of four like that's so it's not matters yeah yeah I think when you have that deeper value that's beneath whatever the manners is this it's usually gratitude when it comes to manners right yeah yeah I'm like thinking of it like please thank you no thank you why can't I think of any other manners excuse me yeah yeah that's a good one yeah and I feel like a lot of it is modeling when you said excuse me that makes me think like from the dawn of time of having dogs if I needed my dogs to move out of the way I just spoke to them like kindly like how I would speak to a kid excuse me excuse me Alfred excuse me Archie which are our dogs names yeah um and I feel like the the boys see that and then they not always I'm not trying to suggest that my children are perfect all the time and always say the perfect excuse me but like they talk kindly to the dogs they talk kindly to each other and it's I think it's all about the repetition and the modeling and the time that it takes yeah but it does I definitely yeah I've been checked and I've always said that too like if you are quote unquote like gentle parenting or sturdy parenting or whatever if you are being if you are parenting your pets the same way you're parenting your kids that's gonna show if you're being an asshole to your pets and you're being nice to your kids then your kids start being assholes and you're like where did this come from because I you're talking to your dog can you yell at the dog or yeah and I know that because I have been an asshole to my dogs and it's not like I'm doing it on purpose it's just like for example miss you snap sometimes I snap especially like I I do not have that much space I don't have that much space in my kitchen in particular oh sure mm-hmm the dogs like to beg they are both 80 pounds and then I also have my cat one of my cats also likes to beg always around my feet oh so now I have three animals by my feet and then I will also have my 13 month old who is pulling at my pants and then if my husband walks into the room and my daughter thinks like oh my god it's time for a nap I have to go to mom and then she goes and grabs my other leg I'm like if one more person is in my moving space that's what I figured out it's not about like my having my space invaded on it's my ability to move if I move around when I'm in a stride when I I'm like I'm getting eggs off of the stove I need to refill this milk cup I need to get the dog's food I need to be able to move and I can't I lose it yeah and that's when I'm like I think that's very relatable I'm like I don't care like everybody crowd around me it will be like Maria and sound of music that's fine but like if I need to be able to move best believe I need to be able to move yeah that's so fair yeah well I feel like it's experiences like this and you know thinking about things deeply as we know you do you really like to go in depth into details about everything I mean yeah I mean I think about the time that you're like we were watching the Grinch and I paused a scene so that we could look at every single thing in the scene and they saw that long grain rice is in the grocery store I was like dang like she really pays attention to me yeah but I think that's why you have been so successful in what you've been doing and I mean I think being friends with somebody like you has made me a better parent I hope one of our goals with this was that these episodes make other people feel like they are successful with parenting and then give them food for thought and also leave feeling refreshed like they just got to chat with some girlfriends and fellow moms and I just feel like you thinking deeply has benefited a lot of people do you know what I mean thank you you're welcome so with that I'm happy really same okay just I'll be friends and have never mind I was just gonna go into politics but we'll just get past that I'm gonna pull up my notes because I took some notes so okay I want to talk specifically about one of the posts that you made it was on January 9th I think let me check right now yes it was on January 9th on the Instagram page regulating with Rachel and you posted a video about giving our children the ability to do their one last thing before they then need to do the thing we need them to do either get ready for bed get in the car get in their seat for lunch and you talk about this like strategy that you've used and why you think it works and it really got a lot of traction I mean a lot of your posts get a lot of traction but this one just really popped off and I can understand yeah because it was so it was like everyone listening to it had a light bulb they're like oh damn like she's right like this is such a great idea and I think a lot of people try to do things like this but it aren't always successful so I just want to talk to you about this and get a little bit deeper into it okay yeah okay so my first question for you is how did you even discover this concept I know you've been a teacher for years and then obviously now you're a parent and you have a lot of background in child development but like what made you come upon this I think it was two things that were similar around the same time um I tend to spiral a little bit when I'm doing something that excites me when I'm working and because I'm a stay-at-home mom during the day I usually have to work at night and there was one day where I was having to get something done in the basement where I am now and my husband came in and he does it with all the kindness in his heart because he knows that I will tend to like like if you don't stop me I will not stop um I really struggle with that and he came in and he's just opens the door and he goes all right let's go and I was like I'm not done I was like in the middle of writing something he's like it's time to go upstairs oh my god what do you mean it's time to go upstairs you can't just come in here and cut me off like I'm busy where'd you find this audacity the audacity yeah exactly even though further preface he's such a wonderful person and husband but still like where did he get the audacity that night yes and to be clear I asked him to do these things yeah I asked him to cut me off I asked him to help me regain my focus I in our house we have so many like keywords because I need these little trigger words I need things to be quick without like explanations without conversations which he prefers because he's like I don't want to talk everything to death nobody wants to talk everything to death but um no except for us and then yeah so it just like made me so angry and I snapped at him and he I don't remember what happened after that but it was like it was not a good good snap we had a conversation about it like a couple days later and he's like this is kind of like a theme yeah and I was thinking about it during that conversation that this was a theme for me and I was like why am I getting so snappy because I am snappy with him and I'm snappy with my dad and sometimes I can get snappy with my kids and the recurring through line of when I was snapping is when I was getting cut off and then I want to say like the day after that I had told my daughter I was like okay we're we're gonna go to library story hour you've been so excited about this and we had to we had to go and she's like I'm not ready it was like well honey we have to get ready like it's on a schedule like it starts at nine nine thirty whatever it is like you have to go and she's like I'm not ready and I heard in her tone the exact tone that I was giving to my husband and I was like I remembered what I had said I'm like I just have one last thing and so then I tried that with her I was like okay well how about we do one last thing and then we go and that does not mean that you finish your whole manuscript that does not mean like finish building the magna tile castle that you're starting does that does not mean like you're gonna spray the entire foam bottle all over the bathtub like you pick one last thing one spray add maybe one or two more tiles whatever your one last thing is and then we go and it's really just like a transition piece like yeah I need I need transitions in order to get my brain into a different space and so do kids yeah it's it's jarring when you come in and you're like okay so you're ready for bed okay you're ready for a bath okay you're ready to go to sleep no I'm freaking busy right or I I feel like a lot of parents they go in and it's not even okay are you ready it's just okay bedtime and yeah I say a lot of parents and I literally mean myself cuz like me and Aiden have done that just like all right about time even if we've given it like a five-minute warning like do you think my two-year-old understands the concept of five minutes like he does not and you know sometimes giving timers or like a timeframe like that does work a little bit but otherwise it they just hear okay stop what you're doing I don't care what it is you're gonna do what I want now yes yeah and I think even at the youngest age like they they can they feel that yeah you know well that was one of the things that it was I think it was around we had a little bit of a deeper conversation about it around the time that we were watching the Grinch now that it's come up a second time love it I love talking about the Grinch I know but this idea is a recurring theme in the movie the Grinch of what's important to you is not necessarily important to me and that's when we're gonna start butting heads is when I feel like you only have what's important to you and you're not acknowledging what's important to me at all just because you have you know what the routine is you knew know that bad times coming up you know it's important that they get their sleep whatever is going into your decisions behind it they don't they don't have that no like they they have their own things that are important to them and when you're showing them they have your kids have to be more than you taking care of them you're supposed to be living life together you're not supposed to be living it next to them at them like I'm not just the stickler how do I show you that what is important to you is important to me because that's the way that you're gonna you're gonna bond and they're gonna trust you in those transitions because those transition moments are like the relationship building ones can I trust you to get me through bedtime when it's kind of a insecure time can I trust you to feed me can I trust you you know whatever yeah can I trust you to take care of me but also feel like you're not taking care of me that we're just doing it together yeah and I feel like thinking then deeper into this how do you feel like taking the time to acknowledge your child's own agency and acknowledging what's important to them even if what in that moment what's important to them is literally just playing with their cars for a little bit longer how do you feel like acknowledging that and showing them that you're acknowledging in that you care about it how do you feel like that will translate into their future life as a teen young adults and then older adults I think that especially right now where in a very fast world and I say that from somebody whose brain moves very fast that's like my like we said a couple episodes ago like on my map of how am I gonna get to my dream I don't know because my BAP is so busy I can't even see the path in front of me it's just busy all the time mm-hmm and showing kids that you're not just moving from one thing to the next to the next to the next gratitude right we've talked about that like how do you slow down you can feel gratitude you can feel presence you can feel all of the things that you're supposed to feel in a like in a relationship centered world instead of like a productivity centered world like how are I don't know I don't know the best way to describe it I think what you're saying it gives you the beat I think it gives you the ability to slow down yep when you're allowing for transitions instead of going from one thing to the next to the next because the burnout you can kids burn out they do I'm genuinely terrified to send my kids to school and to have them have the amount of homework that kids get yeah like I'm just one of my friends sent her or she learned about the elementary school that she's gonna send her kids to and they give their kindergartners tablets mm-hmm and expect them to do homework on tablets in kindergarten work that guys that shit crazy that's insane there is no excuse for that like yeah I don't like that I that's just I'm just standing on that ground no kids need to be slower yeah they they need tools to slow down and so by offering them one last thing mm-hmm to say you can finish your thought you can finish your idea close the loop I'm not just gonna open string you at every chance I get and so by the time you're in bed you're like thinking about all the things like grown-ups do like you're in bed and you're like you've got all these thoughts that are left over from the day yeah and it's to them it's like a thought of like oh man I didn't finish my like Lego castle which to a parent who is just trying to get their kid to bed so that they can prep everything for the next day so the next morning is successful like for that child to then come out and then either you know be whining because they didn't get to finish their castle cuz that's how kids express themselves sometimes or like I could see my four-year-old coming out and being like mama I didn't finish my castle you know and it's because it's something that's like eating away at them you know what I mean and again like you said we're not giving them one last thing and that's an extra hour of building a castle but it allows their brain some time to be like oh they're not like it the room isn't on fire oh I can finish this quick and then we can go on to the next thing because I think kids feel that and I think that that feeling of the room is on fire because I'm going from doing this to now doing this is like where anxiety can come from and insecurity yes I mean and I know of course anxiety insecurity and insecurity can come from a lot of things but we're talking specifically this kind if we can remove one location yeah yeah let's remove that one location I also I also think like acknowledging their interests and their agency and that they even though they are you know two or three or four or whatever even though they're little they still have some autonomy like giving your children some degree of autonomy I feel like is so important and it's not all the time you know if they are her wanting to cross the road without holding your hand like sorry that's maybe not the time for autonomy but like if you're allowing them to to finish a task or a thing that they are doing and they find important I mean call me woo-woo but I feel like that is gonna translate into their relationships growing up as you know kids and then as you know potentially a future partner to somebody or just like a good friend to someone else I feel like and again maybe I'm thinking too deeply but I genuinely feel like what I'm doing right now for my kids is creating the or allowing them to create the person that they want to grow into and acknowledging something like I know this is important to you go ahead and finish that up and then we're gonna do this it's like just so kind and giving so much permission to keep focus on something that matters to you but then be able to transition into the next thing does that make sense yes well it's it's a it's mattering yeah like when you when you are making space for what's important to them when you are holding space for their reasons for what's important to them and why are they why they are behaving the way they are why they said no when you care to understand what that is because when you understand the moment better you're gonna be able to make sense of the next step better you're not shooting in the dark when you get down to that level you're saying what is important to you matters to me what you matter yeah I I think that that's ultimately what it comes down to I always want to make sure they know that they are safe that they are welcome that they matter and I don't think yeah yeah I don't think putting them in a box of like I'm just gonna drag you along from thing to thing because food is healthy and sleep is healthy and yeah I'm gonna get you into those spaces yeah totally I feel like you've always talked about how and again this is something that's come out of your Instagram page and something that we want to talk more on the podcast is getting to like the root of things a lot like I feel like you really love to deep dive into the meaning behind things and just something you said just now is like them saying no like I think about all the time I'll say okay time to get ready for bed and it's immediately met with a no and that is so frustrating like like immediately it's like wait a minute no you don't get to tell me no yeah it's like so that's my that's my initial thought it's time for bed no okay actually dude you don't get to tell me no cuz I'm the mom I like have said this verbatim but taking the time to think okay why did he say no what's the root behind that no do I do this all the time no but is it something I could work on a hundred percent because understanding why he's saying no it's not to say that after I figure out why he says no and every bedtime after that is perfect no but it might make it easier on myself because I'm less triggered and frustrated it still might take the same amount of time 30 40 minutes to get him settled in it in bed and ready to sleep but at least I'm enjoying it a little bit more I'm not as irritated you know what I mean but it also doesn't usually take as long to get to whatever your end is because you aren't spending so much time butting heads being like why why are you seeing blue and I'm seeing red when we really need to see purple like the I had that this morning with my daughter it's really just like we were seeing - we had the complete opposite understandings of the morning time where she ultimately she had been screaming for first thing she was first thing in the morning she was screaming for an hour after that and it was because she wanted to wake her sister up my husband had taken her downstairs like she had asked to do but she was like I want to go downstairs and we're like okay so but she's like no I want to wake my sister up we're like no daddy's gonna take you downstairs then she's crying she's crying and sister does wake up and so I go downstairs at the two of them send daddy back upstairs because he is not a morning person he's not equipped to deal with that at daylight savings time and yeah I don't know why that exists but after all of this screaming it turns out that we came to an understanding that we both had a different understanding in the mornings she thought when the Sun comes up that we have to get up and so she wanted to wake her sister up because she's like the Sun is up she has to be up and I was like no no no no no no your body wakes you up usually when the Sun rises your sister's body wakes her up usually before you but right now she's sick so we need her to still sleep but you she thought that you have to wake up in the Sun gets up then I got to clarify you can wake up when the Sun comes up you do not have to get up and so just finding that why behind it was so clarifying like now she's not like oh I have to wake my sister up because the Sun is up it's oh her body will wake her up she's fine stay tuned for how that works out but that was what's wrong the screaming is once we were like finding this needle in a haystack of why I can't figure her out and she can't stop screaming because she has no idea how to tell me what's going on yeah yeah it's so true and I think it's interesting because I I take a similar mindset to this as you in the sense that we're trying to find the deeper meaning and although Aiden is a wonderful father and parent he's not always looking for the deeper meaning I think because he just doesn't overthink things like I do which is a blessing because I think if we had two major overthinkers we would just be sitting there paralyzed overthinking but yeah it's like interesting to see how he'll respond to something and I'll be like well maybe there's a reason he did it and Aiden's like what are you talking about and it's just like I think so many parents go through parenting without thinking this deeply because sometimes we don't always have the time to you know and it is exhausting although wonderful it's exhausting to parent constantly and well that's why it's nice to have the things that show your kids that you're welcome to because it's you don't always know the right questions yeah you aren't always gonna guess things right but when you have these little habits that you've built I would say when we started this when we start any of our we do check-in new plan one last thing up tons of just like little phrases that are just these triggers to remind us of what's going on we always start it like in a playtime so don't start it while it's going on don't like when it's in that moment you can try it this is genius but yeah you start it when you're like in a playtime when their guard is down when they're feeling a little bit loosey-goosey they're fed they've had a nap they have had water like don't start it when there's there's strife just to practice so you can explain what the concept is like we started this with her most of these things we started before two years old which is why I think it's funny when people are like well I don't know that that would work for my kid she's she's two and I'm like I promise it's worth a shot but even my two is such an age of development and like crazy change and brain growth and I feel like two is the perfect time it is but even before that like I potty trained my older one at 17 months and that's because at that age I'm not gonna say you can potty train any 17-month-old like a lot of it was her temperament but it did not that's what no I did not you also have boys they're harder but um that's in there like I want to please you so bad that's when you want to start introducing stuff cuz it'll evolve now like my daughter will say hey mom check in I need to hear that but I'm like oh she just pulled the uno reverse on me oh my gosh that's yeah but do it like you can explain we're gonna do one last thing hmm so before one that or and practice it on your loop like with yourself too it's like oh I really got to get up to get some water because my alarm went off I need to do one last thing before I go I'm gonna put two magnet tiles on the tower and then I do it and then I practice it come back and you just keep going oh you need to go grab another Barbie but this isn't done how about do one last thing and then go get your Barbie so it's like lower stakes stuff so then the concept smart yeah it's easier to grasp on to because my final question for you is well what do you do when this doesn't work like tonight I said to my two-year old okay buddy I see that you're playing with your choo-choo train what's one do you want to do one last thing before bed and he just goes nope and he keeps playing but it's because it was something that to him was high-stakes which is bedtime which you know they did go to bed it's not like they are really challenging to get to sleep but like what little kid wants to stop playing and go to bed I didn't even want to stop him playing because he was being so gosh gosh darn cute and like talking up to his little like Paw Patrol characters back and forth he's like come on Everest you want to come yeah I do I'm sorry your two-year-old saying that is so cute so cute I didn't want to stop him so he's not gonna want to stop either so he just said no and I'm like all right fair enough man well yeah prepare him ahead of time yeah I guess I should maybe I should make another video on that but yeah prepare him out of time for it like that because it's gonna be a lot more understandable at that point when he says no I'll be like hey buddy remember we talked about doing one last thing and that's when I'd bring out these two options so you can put Everest to bed or you can park the choo-choo train back at the station like what would you like to do and usually what my favorite thing is is they always come up with an option C which is like well how about this and you're like yeah okay yeah if it's too big like sometimes my daughter will be like well I want to float here for 46 minutes and I'm like hmm we're not doing 46 minutes in the bathtub yeah no Oh floating in the bathtub I'm like what what is she talking about I also like what you just said which was giving a choice because I think sometimes especially for the younger toddlers being like what's your one last thing you know I don't necessarily think my two-year-old could always understand that concept but what has worked a lot is it's time to get ready for bed do you want to walk like a dinosaur or a penguin to your bed and of course the choice is always a dinosaur so then we stomp and roar on our way to the bedroom but that that makes the transition a little easier that's so funny because my daughter always chooses penguin stunning of that yeah it's usually cuz she's like wrapped really tight in a towel and she feels like a penguin yeah for me it's because my sons love dinosaurs and that's what they're constantly playing but anyway giving them doing the one last thing but narrowing it down a little bit to the two options so that their little brain doesn't have to like come up with a one last thing you know choice yeah yeah whereas my four-year-old he could easily come up with one last thing but you know a younger toddler maybe not so much well even at that point - I mean I think that people struggle with the advice of just give them choices because it like it's not as intuitive as you think yeah usually you say like give them to like don't don't branch it out too much I will expand it to three sure but make sure it's not a negotiable or make sure it's not a non-negotiable so the what stays the same the how you do it is different and the way I like to think about that is with the who what when where how so you can choose who do you want to put you to bed tonight or like you do how do you want to walk there like a dinosaur like a penguin what do you want to wear what is the other one who what when where when maybe it's like do you want to brush your teeth or pick your books first so like choose those non-negotiable things it's not like oh do you want to go to your bedroom to go to bed like no we are going to the bedroom yeah because it's bedtime I always tell my family they I think every single member of my family my in-laws has heard this like a million bazillion times since the three-year-old that like I don't even have to say it anymore okay if it's not an option it's not a question yeah so in there especially like ending things with like okay or oh do you want to share with your sister like no if she took the toy it's not do you want to share with your sister like she can't take the toys from her sister yeah yeah no I like that I think that a lot of people have a misconception about the concept of gentle parenting because gentle parenting it just feel like has taken so many different avenues and definitions but just like something you said there is well you don't get the option like it is bedtime but we can ease that transition by giving you an option of how do you want to walk there you still have to go to bed yeah but we can make it easier on you and to me that is like the core of how I want a gentle parent is like there's still a sense of this word sounds so harsh but it's the best word I can think of like there's still a sense of like authority I'm your mother I love you I'm teaching you on how to be a good adult moving forward but it's it's in collaboration with the child and not an authoritarian approach yeah it's authoritarian yeah yeah and that's why it's gentle I mean there's still boundaries and there's still rules and there are still to a certain extent consequences or discussions about behavior but it's just done in a way that is gentle I don't know yeah I I don't always love the term gentle because for me it feels so hard most of the time parenting I don't want to say most of the time even like when I am like regulated my brain is in a state of homeostasis and I'm able to just like be and enjoy my kids and get my stuff done and all of that I just will call that like regular parenting like I'm just me parenting yeah when I have to pull out like a toolbox and the things that I need to do are to get my stuff under control feeling gentle is the last thing that I feel like it feels very hard to do but it I don't know that I have like the right word for it it sounds like softer because we I don't think we ever talked about this how I will say things like mirror mirror neurons and you're like it's just monkey see monkey do I think about that all the time that's a phrase we use in our house now after you said it to me oh really like monkey see monkey do yeah so like my toddler will use a really high voice or my infant my infant will use a really high voice because she's shrieking and that's all she knows how to do and then my toddler will start yelling because she's not upset about anything but like monkey see monkey do and then I feel like I need to yell to my toddler just not like yell but like get my volume up to get her to hear me because that's just natural that's what your neurons in your brain are doing they're saying hey do that mm-hmm so like just softening everything is harder than matching because you're doing the exact opposite of what's going on in your environment and that is more of an effort yeah for sure I think if it's if it's called gentle parenting it's because to the child it feels soft and more gentle but there has to be like a on the flip side like what's it called to the parent is it like I don't even know like I can't think of it but just like regulating regulating is the only word that comes to mind but it's like a constant having to regulate yourself and check yourself and work hard at it we gotta come tune in next week we'll have a word for you figure it out I did I did get that question on it wasn't a question it was a comment on one of my videos they're like thank you for saying what regulated means because I see this word all the time and have no idea what it means means that your body can't tell the difference between something like angry scared confused mad like your body codes them all the same which is why when your kid is unregulated it might be that you just like have an elevated voice but they're seeing that as a threat like their body is coding that differently or like you see a screaming child and you see like a deep sense of urgency there and so you're like seeing that as some kind of danger or whatever like your body your your body and your brain are confused so when you're regulating you're trying to match the right behavior with the right feeling and say so you can address it accordingly yeah that makes sense is it regulatory a word yeah regulatory parenting regulatory secure yeah I don't know that gets too much into attachment terms but it doesn't feel good like I holding boundaries and seeing that your boundary which is you like saying no it was I think last night my daughter has been sleeping essentially in the same room as me for my older one for a while because we've been traveling a lot Jamie's been gone and she's been sick so we both had like the humidifier and we said like okay tomorrow is the day that we're gonna have that you're gonna start sleeping in your own room again she was really upset she said they want to sleep in your room I want to sleep in your room but like holding that boundary made her feel safer than anything like she snuggled into me she's still asking to go but she's not like clawing at me and begging. She's just like sinking into the bed saying, "I want to go in your room," and I'm like, "We're right here." But seeing that like the inconsistency made her feel better than just giving in or just being like, "You're in here, I'm leaving!" Like...
Yeah, that usually doesn't work. No. It doesn't feel good. It doesn't? And it doesn't feel good. To bring things, to loop things back around before we transition into the next thing I wanted to talk about, it makes things feel nicer and easier and even though it might be a hard moment, you can look back on it and feel good about it and that's gonna make parenting more enjoyable. Yeah.
If you don't look back and have a pit about something. No one wants that, about anything in their life, but especially when it involves taking care of your children. Yeah. I think... Go ahead. Even when you do have a pit like in the moment too, please have faith in your ability to repair. Don't just move on from it. Like find the why, give yours, but don't override theirs. Like I don't want to make it sound like, "Oh, do all these steps," but like however it works for you to repair the moment that you feel bad about, like don't don't just move past it and say like, "Well, I did the hard thing because I was a parent." You can also tell them that because they are humans and they're incredibly intuitive. You can say like, "That was a really hard choice for me to make and, you know, this was my goal, this is what I was working towards, this was what I was afraid of. I would do it differently next time." Or, "Next time, how about we make it easier by doing XYZ?" Or, "Do you have any ideas about how to make this easier because I don't think that felt good for either one of us." I've said that to my daughter a lot. Like that's great. That didn't really feel good. And she's like, "Yeah," and I'm like, "Can we try something different next time?" And she's like, "Yeah." Oh, like at least you know the sex for both of us. Yeah, right. Oh, that's so sweet. I love the collaboration on that. Okay, to bring it home, because we have been talking about this specific post you made, I wanted to shout out to people who commented because there was a bunch of comments on there, but there were two that I really liked and I don't know these people, but thank you for commenting. The first one was from Princess Dot Dickens, which is her handle, and it was such a simple comment. What, I shouldn't assume it's a female, I'm sorry. It was such a simple comment by this person, but what they said was, "This is respectful and effective." And like that just sums it up. It is respectful and it can work. It might look differently how it works for one person versus another, but at the core of it, it's respect for your child, giving them the agency to choose one last thing before you make them go do a different task. And so yeah, I love that. Is that her turn? I don't know. I feel like we need people to help us come up with this. Yeah. Leave a comment, we'll shout you out next time. I don't think it's as concrete as, it's not as concrete as I'd like, but anyway. We'll keep workshopping it. Okay, and then the final comment I liked, this one's a little longer so bear with me while I read it, but it's from Aaron.Ressel_SLP and this person said, "Love this example as a pediatric SLP, which is a speech-language pathologist. I use a lot of first-then directions to make sure they know what is coming next, but acknowledging what they are doing first." And I love that. I love that. Yeah. Especially, I feel like if you don't necessarily have the time to say, "Choose your one last thing," because then it's, you know, time spent making a discussion. If you need something quicker, whether it's you're with your kid and you need to leave the park sooner or like it in this setting, you know, this person's in a clinical setting where you have only X amount of time to work with a child and in an academic setting like in school, you're doing the same thing. You're acknowledging it and then you're letting them know what's gonna come next. Yeah. And I just thought that was so smart. This girl's so smart. Yeah, and even if you wanted to hybrid that with the one last thing. Yeah. Acknowledging like, "Hey, I see that you are still working really hard on making Elsa into a snowman with your Play-Doh. What else do you need to do?" I don't know. Not like, "What else do you need to do?" Let me start this part over.
Acknowledging what the activity is that your kid is doing. Like, "Hey, I see you're reading that book and you're really intent on it. We do have nap time coming up soon. What is the one last thing that you want to do? Do you want to finish the page or do you want to, or like, "Do you want to finish the page? Do you want me to finish the page?" Like, all these layered kind of options or whatever, but at first then is acknowledging what's going on and then what's coming up and then telling them, "So this is the middle piece we need right now." Yeah, I like that. I try to just do that even when I'm not trying to get the kids to transition into something else like leaving the park or getting ready for bed. It's just acknowledging what they're doing and I think I just do it naturally because I find it so cute when they're playing together or if they're playing independently so well. Like, I'll just say like, "Oh my gosh, you're playing with your cars. It's so cute." And I feel like they're like, "Yeah, mom. Like, leave me alone." But like to me, I'm just like, it just like bubbles out of me because I'm like, "Oh, it's so cute. Like, you guys are playing together." And they're like, "Yeah, obviously. Like, we're brothers." I really love that. I think that makes you more present though too. That's, I think there's science behind that. When you're pointing out, I think I've talked about this before. One of my friends, Allegra Cohen, she has a TED talk about micro joys. And she, it's really just like you are, I think it's like the micro joy algorithm and it's literally talking about training your brain into having an algorithm where you are picking up on and pointing out the joys. And when you do that with your kids, you're picking up on all of the joy that your kids are bringing you. You are picking up on all of the positive parts of your parenting experience. And you are making your algorithm something that you enjoy. You are enjoying your parenting experience.
You are enjoying your kids. You think that what they're doing is special and important in that you see them. And they feel that. They feel that you see them and they matter to you. And what they hope and dream and have ideas about matters to you. And that's ultimately like what we're trying to do.
100%. Yeah. And I feel like you can take me out of a task I'm doing. Like if I'm, if I'm cleaning the kitchen, but I see them playing so well together and it's so cute, like that will pull me out of that task and make me be present. Just like you said. And it's, yeah, it's definitely like a, I love that little micro joy and it brings, it brings it again full circle of just enjoying the ride that is parenting because it's not always easy. Being able to look for the why, having tips and tricks like what you put on your Instagram, looking deeper into why your kids are behaving the way they are. All of those things can help to contribute to an enjoyable parenting journey. And I just think that it's so nice to be able to think about that kind of stuff. I agree. There is just an extra special like love for you sitting through this episode with us because it is the seventh episode and the last one, just kidding. We'll see you next week.
If you really do enjoy these conversations, like we've been getting very nice messages, texts, DMs, and it feels really good to be like in community with people who also really want to enjoy parenting the same way we do in their own versions of it. And so it really helps us if you leave reviews, comment, tell us how it's going for you, what you want to see more of, and so we can keep getting better and better. If you give the one last thing a try or the first then approach a try, let us know how it goes. Leave a comment and if it is, you know, a really big win, maybe we'll shout it out next time and celebrate it because that also just feels nice. Yeah, send any one last thing wins. If they get it the first time or the 14th tie, try. Yeah, because it can take a while but it will stick eventually.
We're in it for the long haul, guys. What you're doing in parenting matters. You are a good parent. All right, we'll see you guys next time. I don't want to say next week because you never know what might come up, but we'll see you next time. Episode 8. Bye!
